Sunday, May 13, 2012

They call me Mommy

The other day, I got a tearful phone call from a very close friend.
She had very recently given birth to her first precious babe...
and life was slugging her between the eyes. 
(been there right ladies!?)
She poured her heart out about how she just didn't feel like herself. How life had changed so much and she just didn't feel like she could ever measure up.
She choked out "Kit, I'll just be perfectly honest, I don't even think I like being a mom."
I honestly think she expected me to gasp, hang up the phone, and CPS to simultaneously burst right thru the door and rescue her little bundle!! 
Haha. Nope. Instead I told her...
"I've been there too dear. In fact, I'm not sure I even liked my baby."

I remember August 2, 2005 vividly when I was first introduced to motherhood.
20 hours after a 12 hour birth, I called the nurses and begged and pleaded for them to take my screaming baby to the nursery.
They had already taken her twice, only to bring her back 30 minutes later saying
"I'm sorry, but we can't get her to stop crying." Really!?? Me either!!!
It was the first of many days that my ideals of motherhood were going to be slingshotted across the field and slammed against a brick wall.
I had such high hopes of new motherhood. Sure, I knew it was going to be a big responsibility. I knew there would be some sleepless nights. I knew this was a little life that depended completely and utterly on me, but oh the joys it would bring!
I am going to cuddle my baby all day long. I am going to do mommy-baby yoga every morning. I am going to put her on a sleep, eat, play, sleep cycle, so that she can develop "healthy sleep habits" from the beginning. 
Mozart? played it. Baby massage? oil bought and pressure points studied. Read to? In the womb!
I could even picture my life years later with 5 (or know depending on finances) little children bouncing around my house, lovingly sharing toys, reciting scriptures, eating homemade bread, and memorizing the constitution. 
Well, as I said before my first experience was a doozy. I can honestly say, I very seldom got to just snuggle with my baby. Most of the time I had to put her in a room and walk outside just so I could get my cool together.
My friends would invite me to "play dates" with their "carseat babies"
(you know the ones who just sit there, strapped up, cooing, and batting at the little cow hanging down) 
I was the mom in the corner dripping sweat out of every pore while I bounced (arms fully extended and swinging with a forceful momentum...I've never had such great biceps) while my baby scrame. and scrame.
They would all pitch in their 2 cents....
Maybe she's hungry? or cold? or too warm? or tired? or poopy?
Maybe she has allergies? Maybe her spine's out of alignment?
or maybe it's from trauma in the womb???
I definitely started to think it was me. That somehow I had missed the "great mom gene"
Freak. maybe if I was more spiritual. Maybe if I had read more books about this.
Maybe if I had taken my prenatals???
I cried A LOT.

BUT then at about 3 1/2 months, a miracle happened.
My little girl seemed to be smiling...well...a lot more.
And at about 4 1/2 she just seemed happy.
Did she sleep thru the night? Heavens No!
But I got some cuddles in. We had more of a routine down.
And most of all....
I kind of liked the girl.
Haha. Kidding. I LOVED her! I couldn't get enough of her.
And I have to say Lulu has never given me much grief since. She is a gem.
As my other two munchkins are.

So why share that all on Mother's Day?? I guess I'm not quite sure. Maybe just because I like to write. :)
Or maybe to share one Mommy's experience when things didn't go quite as planned...
but it all worked out.
Being a mom is tough.
It is wonderful though. 
It takes so much effort, devotion, and sacrifice.
And of course it does, because anything this good should. 
I've had many tearful days, I've done the wrong thing many times, I've collapsed on my knees for help, and I've stayed up several nights thinking....I don't think I can do this. I don't think I got it in me.

BUT I swear it's always the next day (sometimes week) that I get that slobbery wet kiss from Miss Gigi followed with a "Happy Birfday!" or Lulu leaves a cute little drawing on my pillow, or the Rockstar gives me one of his big bear hugs and mentions something he learned last week in FHE (I guess he does hear something even when he is sword fighting his baby sister with his finger!!)

And every once in a great while my kids do eat some homemade bread, they sometimes share,
and... we never have memorized the constitution,
but they do know itsy bitsy spider.
And that is good enough for me :)

Happy Mother's Day!!!
I just LOVE being called Mommy.
most of the time :)


Tricia Lovato said...

I just love you. You inspire me. I can only imagine how much you inspire your sweet children on a daily basis. Life isnt always what we expected but at the end of the day there is no greater joy than hearing a little voice call you mommy.

adrian and caisa said...

love it. and, i have SO been there!- in fact, i was there yesterday. happy mother's day!

Madsen Updates said...

I swear I could have written these exact words! :) My first baby was HARD!! I was SO jealous of those "car seat" babies, and it seemed like they were all like that...except mine! Jake and I thought he just hated us. Awesome feeling! So stressful.
I think you are an incredible Mom!! Love reading your thoughts. Hope you are having a great Mother's Day. You deserve it!!!

carrie said...

Happy Mother's Day to one of the BEST Momma's I know! I have to tell you about my day. I sometimes wish I could go back to the Lola "carseat baby" days, because today super SUCKED! So, I woke up feeling super refreshed and then I panicked to see the sun was up, baby fussy pants wasn't crying, and that I had slept almost 8 hours. I checked on her, she was awake and gave me the sweetest smile. I picked her up and thought "Happy Mother's Day to me!" I nursed her and snuggled on the couch, and about 15 minutes later the rest of the kids woke up and it all quickly fell apart! All sorts of naughtiness happened in the few hours before church. Tony had worked until midnight last night and then went mother's day shopping for me at walmart when he got off. He was so tired that he slept right through the "breakfast in bed ritual he had planned" and woke up around 10:00 to me yelling at the kids saying, "Mother's day sucks! I hate being a Mom today!" It totally makes me laugh because the kids have been so sweet this past week making me piles of cards and picking me flowers all day long, then today all I wanted was to get to church on time, but did it happen? No, but they did go to bed on time, so I'm counting it as a success! Maybe next year we can make it to 1:00 church! Hope your day was better then mine. Haha! can't wait to play this week!

Sam and Lacey said...

Beautiful. You are an amazing mother. You do it with such grace and while wearing your high heels. I have no idea how you do it. I look up to you so much. Oh that little lulu, she sure did give you a run for your money. I remember coming over to your house and you would be vacuuming for the 100th time that day. All for a little peace and quiet.

Terry said...

Wow! You nailed it.

Ashlee said...

AMEN! Happy (late) Mothers Day. Love you.

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